“I have a college degree,” I told myself. Then, I slipped the giant, grinning insect head over my own melon and waddled into the supermarket. Through the mesh holes covering my eyes, I could sort of see a gaggle of out-of-shape shoppers who each acted as the dictionary definition of “white person.” Each one immediately [...]
April 19, 2012
The Doc is Out
The following is about the night my buddy “Tom” and I inadvertently killed someone. It was just after midnight on New Year’s Day. We had rung in 2003 at our friend’s apartment in downtown Philadelphia, but were eager to return to suburbia, where our own beds awaited us. We boarded the last train out of [...]
April 9, 2012
Hey, What Are You Shootin’ At?
The following is a true account of the time I was shot at in New York City. This may come as a shock to those of you who know me (and may come as anything from a “ZOMG!” to a “Who gives a shit?” to those of you who don’t know me). Yes, I have [...]
April 2, 2012
Mike Vs. the Mouse
One morning, at the ungodly hour of 4AM at which I must prepare for work each weekday (why yes, it DOES suck), I was in my apartment’s living room. Despite the early hour, I was nevertheless 100% engaged in the most crucial of pre-work tasks: blankly looking around and letting my still-half-asleep brain cells convince [...]
March 31, 2012
Inaction News
The events of this column took place back in 2002, during my senior year of college. I dubbed them worthy enough for not only documentation, but also inclusion in the university’s newspaper. Perhaps this is why said newspaper never won any awards or recognition. On that particular day, I took off from classes due to [...]
March 26, 2012
Uncovering Some Answers
As your URL bar indicates, I’ve been away from this website for so long that it has swapped locations! So, to those of you who actually follow the day-to-day (or, more accurately, season-to-season) operations of my site, no doubt your first question is “Mike, are you still alive?” The answer to that, as far as [...]
March 1, 2012
Preventing a Stupid Virus
I am by no means an expert in IT-related matters; my computing history has seen my various devices sport more Trojans than Ron Jeremy. My most recent virus shut down anything and everything capable of accessing the Internet (or whose programming code happened to have the letters used to spell out “Internet” somewhere in it), [...]
February 26, 2012
The 2011 Oscars
It is Oscar time, which means that, once again, ten movies I have not seen/ever heard of will vie for gold statuettes. 2011 saw no exception whatsoever to this rule. I consider myself to be a rather intelligent individual, one who is capable of forming educated opinions on a wide variety of topics (assuming I [...]
February 14, 2012
This Valentine’s Day, Remember that Special Someone With Drugstore Merchandise
Love and pleasantness will warm the frosty winter air as people all around the world celebrate that one special holiday which is synonymous with the date February 14: Simon Pegg’s birthday. This date also marks Valentine’s Day, which is a day where sweethearts exchange gifts and other symbols of their love while single people like [...]
February 5, 2012
Mall-icane
A steady 70MPH wind was surrounding me, a sure sign of a hurricane. Standing nearby were my mom, sister, and brother-in-law. In the most soothing voice possible, I spoke to them the words they didn’t particularly want to hear: “Well, this was a waste of two bucks.” The fact that financial concerns were at the [...]
May 7, 2012
0 Comments